Rhythm Clinical Psychology-Dr Jichun (Jess) Hao

7 July 2026

‍ ‍By Dr Jichun (Jess) Hao, Clinical Psychologist | Rhythm Clinical Psychology, Sydney

Key Takeaways

• High-functioning anxiety may be maintained by guilt and over-responsibility.

• Guilt can be a helpful emotion that keeps us connected to our values and relationships. The challenge arises when guilt is triggered even when we have done nothing wrong.

• Family, cultural, and community values around responsibility, hard work, and caring for others can contribute to these patterns.

• The goal is not to eliminate guilt altogether, but to learn the difference between genuine responsibility and over-responsibility.

• Growth often involves holding two truths at once: valuing achievement and helping others while also making space for rest, boundaries, and emotional wellbeing.

Why Do I Feel Guilty Doing Less?

For many people with high-functioning anxiety, a common frustration they experience in therapy is:

"I feel guilty when I try to do less — less work, less planning, less thinking, less people-pleasing, and more resting."

They may understand intellectually that they need to slow down. Friends, family, and even therapists may encourage them to rest, set boundaries, or prioritise their own needs. Yet whenever they try to do so, they are met with a familiar feeling: guilt.

In this article, we'll explore why this happens and how guilt can be understood and managed in a more helpful way.

Meet Alex

Meet Alex from our previous two articles on high functioning anxiety again.

Alex is 35 and has a successful career built through years of hard work at school, university, and in their job.
They are the child their family relies on emotionally. They organise social gatherings, show up when needed, and are often described as:
-“a hard worker”
-“calm under pressure”
-“someone we can always rely on”
-“someone who gets things done”
On the outside, Alex is functioning well.
But internally, things feel very different.
They feel lonely and empty sometimes. They experience constant mental overactivity—ruminating about work, planning, and responsibilities. Even when they try to rest, they feel restless and guilty, as though they should be doing something productive. They find it easier to advocate for others than for themselves.

Friends and family try to tell Alex: “just relax, do less, that project can wait, they won’t be upset with you if you don’t do that for them”. Of course, Alex knows this too. However, when Alex tries to set boundaries at work by doing less, or tries to set boundaries with social responsibilities or even within romantic relationships, they feel guilty resting and saying no. If this sounds like you, read on.

The Function of Guilt

So why does Alex feel guilty even when they've done nothing wrong? To understand this, it helps to look at what guilt is actually for.

Guilt is often viewed as a negative emotion, but it can actually serve important purposes. It helps us consider the impact of our behaviour on others, repair relationships when we have caused harm, and stay connected to our values and communities.

In this sense, guilt is not the problem. In fact, many of the qualities we admire in people - responsibility, thoughtfulness, reliability, and consideration for others - are partly supported by our capacity to experience guilt.

For Alex, the struggle may not be that they experience guilt at all. Rather, guilt may arise even when they are doing things that are important for their wellbeing and values, such as leaving work on time, resting, or saying no to additional responsibilities.

Alex’s guilt might have been learned from messages such as

"Don't waste opportunities."
"Work hard for what you have."
"Remember where you came from."
"Always do the best by people."

From these messages, Alex might have internalised rules such as:

"I am not being responsible if I waste these opportunities."
"I don't deserve to rest when others have sacrificed so much for me."
"I am a bad person if I say no."
"If I put myself first, I am letting the people I love down."

These messages and rules can come from many different contexts, including highly achievement-oriented families, migrant families, first-generation university experiences, working-class backgrounds, or religious communities. It is also worth noting that broader society can reinforce these messages too — rewarding those who work the hardest, give the most, or take on the most responsibility. This might look like the employee who is promoted for never saying no, the partner who is admired for always putting their loved ones first, or the friend who is described as "the reliable one" because they always show up no matter what. These contexts may place a strong emphasis on responsibility, hard work, providing for one's family and community, maintaining group harmony, preserving family legacy, or making family sacrifices feel worthwhile.

These values are often deeply meaningful. They may have helped previous generations survive adversity, provide for their families, maintain community connections, and create opportunities for future generations. In many cases, these lessons supported both practical survival and a sense of belonging, becoming important family and community values over time.

When Responsibility Becomes Over-Responsibility

Alex learned that being responsible was important. They learned to help when needed, work hard, and think about how their actions affected others. These values may have contributed to many positive things in Alex's life. However, over time, responsibility may have become over-responsibility.

In other words, Alex may begin to feel responsible not only for their own actions, but also for other people's feelings, expectations, wellbeing, or disappointment. This might look like feeling guilty for leaving work on time when a group task is not yet finished, or feeling anxious when a family member is unhappy, as though it is Alex's job to fix it. Over time, the boundaries between what is Alex's responsibility and what belongs to others can become increasingly blurred.

When the messages about responsibility were passed down to Alex, things might have looked a little different. Alex has grown up at a different time, where there may be more resources or a different emphasis on values, leaving Alex feeling stuck between two different sets of expectations.

The world Alex has grown up in may place greater value on individual wellbeing, self-care, and emotional health - messages such as:

"It's okay to say no."
"Your needs matter too."
"Rest is productive."

While these values are also meaningful and important, they can sit in direct tension with the messages Alex inherited, making it difficult to know which set of values to honour. Caught between these two sets of messages, Alex may start feeling guilty when:

resting after a busy week
saying no to additional work
declining a family request
disappointing someone
prioritising their own needs

Even when they have done nothing wrong.

This may be because feelings of guilt have become closely linked to Alex's internalised values around responsibility, hard work, loyalty, and caring for others. Over time, these patterns become emotionally ingrained and are often difficult to shift through insight alone. We explored why insight alone is often not enough to create lasting change in our article on Schema Therapy and High-Functioning Anxiety.

Holding Two Truths At Once

Many people assume they must choose between two extremes:

Either:

"I continue putting everyone else first."

Or:

"I reject the values I grew up with."

In reality, growth often involves holding both truths at the same time.

The answer might lie in gratitude and compassion. This may initially feel counterintuitive, particularly for someone who associates these values with the very pressure they are trying to step back from. However, gratitude and compassion can coexist with, and might even foster, change, rather than standing in its way.

For Alex, those values and messages from the previous generations might have been very helpful in a lot of ways: helping them be a responsible person both at work and with family and friends, supporting their career success and achievement, and helping them become a very good organiser and planner. It would be unhelpful and impractical to disregard these values. So can Alex find a way to appreciate and accept these values?

Meanwhile, can Alex also find a way to appreciate the value and helpfulness in their new way of living - resting, saying no, focusing on connection?

More importantly, can Alex hold both truths at the same time?

“Achievement and being helpful are important to me.”
AND
“I am also allowed to focus on my wellbeing and emotional needs.”

When Alex first starts doing this, they will likely continue to experience this guilt. The goal is not to eliminate guilt altogether. Guilt can be a valuable emotion that reminds us of our values and our connections to others. Rather, the task is to learn to distinguish between guilt that reflects genuine responsibility and guilt that reflects an exaggerated sense of responsibility. Over time, Alex may be able to appreciate the values they inherited while also giving themselves permission to rest, set boundaries, and care for their own needs.

The Path Forward

If this feels familiar, you are not alone.

Letting go of guilt is not about discarding the values you grew up with. It is about learning to hold both your sense of responsibility and your own wellbeing at the same time.

If this resonates with you and you would like to explore therapy, we would love to hear from you. Rhythm Clinical Psychology is based in Surry Hills, Sydney, and we also offer telehealth sessions for those based elsewhere in Australia. You can reach us at info@rhythmclinicalpsychology.au or by calling 0414 824 375.

This is the third article in our series on high-functioning anxiety. You can read the first article here and the second article here.

Contact Us

Dr Jichun (Jess) Hao, Clinical Psychologist in Sydney

This article is provided for general informational and educational purposes only and is based on psychological theory and clinical experience. It is not intended to be, and should not be used as, a substitute for professional psychological assessment, diagnosis, or treatment.
The content reflects general patterns observed in clinical practice and may not apply to all individuals. If you are experiencing distress or relate to the material discussed, you are encouraged to seek support from a qualified health professional, such as a registered psychologist, or to discuss your concerns with your treating clinician.
This information is not a substitute for personalised care.

Kim, S. Y. (2026, April 22). The hidden cost of upward mobility for immigrant children. Psychology Today. Accessed from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/empowering-children-of-immigrants/202604/the-hidden-cost-of-upward-mobility-for-immigrant
Luck, T., & Luck-Sikorski, C. (2023). Strategies of adults for dealing with feelings of guilt—findings from a large web-based survey. Health Psychology Report, 11(1), 22-37.
Singh, D., & Bhushan, B. (2025). Understanding shame, guilt, embarrassment, and pride: A systematic review of self-conscious emotions. Frontiers in Psychology, 16:1678930.