Should You Change Yourself or Your Partner? The Skill Most Relationships Need
29 July 2026
By Dr Jichun (Jess) Hao, Clinical Psychologist | Rhythm Clinical Psychology, Sydney
In This Article
In this article, we'll explore how questions such as "Should I change?", "Should my partner change?", or "Are we simply incompatible?" may not always be the most helpful place to start. We'll introduce the concept of psychological flexibility—a skill that helps us respond to relationship challenges with greater awareness, curiosity, and intention—and discuss how it can shift us from asking "Who needs to change?" to "How can we better understand what's happening between us?"
Key Takeaways
Many relationship difficulties are not simply about whether you or your partner need to change, but about understanding the interaction between two people.
Psychological flexibility is the ability to notice difficult thoughts and emotions, make space for them, and choose actions that reflect your values.
Understanding your partner's perspective does not mean excusing behaviour that repeatedly harms you.
Many everyday relationship conflicts are opportunities to build greater understanding, communication, and compatibility.
Rather than asking "Are we compatible?", a more helpful question may be "How do we become more compatible?"
Meet Taylor
If you have ever asked yourself in a romantic relationship:
-"Am I expecting too much and just need to accept my partner?"
-"Do they need to change?"
-“Or are we not compatible?”
You are not alone.
These questions often come up in therapy as clients navigate the common relationship challenges. While these are understandable questions, they can sometimes keep us stuck in trying to decide who needs to change, rather than helping us understand what is actually happening between us.
Consider Taylor and Cam. They have been dating for a while and, overall, things are going well. However, Taylor often finds themselves reminding Cam to complete household tasks, such as taking out the garbage. Over time, Taylor begins to feel frustrated and wonders:
-"Am I expecting too much?"
-"Should Cam try harder?"
-"Or are we simply not the right fit?"
Psychological Flexibility
One skill that can help us navigate these questions is psychological flexibility. Put simply, psychological flexibility is the ability to notice difficult thoughts and emotions, make space for them without being controlled by them, and choose actions that reflect our values. In relationships, this means creating a pause between what we feel and how we respond. It allows us to consider both our own needs and the kind of relationship we want to build.
Importantly, psychological flexibility does not mean tolerating behaviour that repeatedly hurts us or ignoring our needs. Understanding our partner's perspective is not the same as excusing their behaviour. Rather, understanding allows us to respond more effectively.
In relationships, psychological flexibility helps us respond in ways that honour both our own needs and the kind of relationship we hope to build.
-Notice: “What am I feeling right now?
Taylor may notice frustration, disappointment, or feeling unappreciated. Thoughts might arise:
"Cam doesn't care about the things that matter to me."
"I can't rely on Cam."
Psychological flexibility does not mean arguing with these thoughts or pretending they are not there. It means recognising that thoughts and emotions are important information, but they are not the whole story.
-Make Space: “Can I hold these emotions without immediately believing every thought that accompanies them?”
E.g., Feeling rejected does not necessarily mean your partner is rejecting you.
“What do I need right now to hold space for these emotions?”
Taylor can make space for the feeling of disappointment without immediately turning it into a conclusion about the relationship.
-Choose: “What values do I have and what would I like to get out of this situation?”
Taylor can then pause and ask:
"What kind of partner do I want to be in this moment?"
"What values do I want to bring into this conversation?"
“What does my relationship need from me in this moment?”
If Taylor values connection, teamwork, and respect, they might express what is happening underneath the frustration:
"I notice I feel frustrated when I have to remind you about chores repeatedly. For me, it is not just about taking out the garbage—it makes me feel like I am carrying the responsibility alone. What’s difficult for you about doing it? Can we think about a way to make this feel more balanced?"
This does not mean Taylor should ignore their needs or that Cam does not have responsibility for changing a behaviour that affects the relationship. Understanding Cam's perspective does not mean excusing a repeated pattern that leaves Taylor feeling unsupported. Rather, it allows both people to move away from deciding who is "the problem" and towards understanding what is happening between them and what might help with the connection.
You might move away from connection by:
criticising
shutting down
becoming defensive
assuming the worst
withdrawing
Or you might move towards connection by:
becoming curious
expressing your feelings openly
asking questions
setting respectful boundaries
acknowledging your own emotions
Psychological flexibility lives in this moment.
Why It Is Difficult
Of course, this process is often easier said than done. Relationships are hard. The way Taylor and Cam respond to situations like this may be influenced by their attachment styles, temperament, previous relationship experiences, upbringing, beliefs about relationships, stress levels, and the ways they have learned to cope with conflict.
For example, Taylor may have learned that reliability and shared responsibility are important signs of care, while Cam may have grown up in an environment where household tasks were managed more casually or communicated differently. Neither perspective is automatically wrong, but when these different histories come together, misunderstandings can arise.
Relationship difficulties often emerge not because one person is "the problem", but because two people's histories, needs, and coping patterns interact with one another.
What About Compatibility?
Compatibility is not just something we either have or don't have. Philosopher Alain de Botton has argued that compatibility is less something we discover and more something we build together. Similarly, relationship researcher Dr John Gottman has found that successful relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict, but by the countless everyday moments in which partners "turn towards" each other rather than away. A simple disagreement about taking out the garbage may seem trivial, but it can also become an opportunity to understand one another, communicate openly, and strengthen the relationship.
Of course, not every relationship challenge can—or should—be worked through. Some differences involve deeply held values, life goals, trust, respect, or emotional safety. Recognising these may also be an act of psychological flexibility. Dr John Gottman's research also suggests that many relationship conflicts are perpetual rather than solvable. In other words, couples often return to the same disagreements because they reflect differences in personality, preferences, or ways of seeing the world. For example, Taylor likes to take out the garbage after dinner, whereas Cam prefers to do it later, right before bed; no one is right or wrong here. The goal therefore is not to eliminate every difference, but to develop ways of understanding and navigating those differences together.
While some differences may reflect genuine incompatibilities in values or life goals, many of the everyday challenges couples face are opportunities to become more compatible through understanding, communication, and flexibility.
So the task is turned into - “Let’s understand each other so we can be better teammates and tackle the garbage problem together” rather than picking between “I need to change or you need to change”.
Instead of asking:
-“Are we compatible?”
The question becomes:
-“How do we become more compatible?”
Psychological flexibility allows us to hold two truths at once:
My partner is a different person with their own history.
My needs and values still matter.
The Path Forward
If this feels familiar, you are not alone.
Psychological flexibility is not about ignoring your needs or accepting every difference. It is about learning to hold both your own perspective and your partner's with curiosity, so you can respond in ways that reflect the kind of relationship you want to build.
If this resonates with you and you would like to explore therapy, we would love to hear from you. Rhythm Clinical Psychology provides individual therapy (rather than couples counselling) for adults wanting to better understand their relationship patterns, strengthen psychological flexibility, and build healthier relationships from their own side of the equation. Rhythm Clinical Psychology is based in Surry Hills, Sydney, and we also offer telehealth sessions for those based elsewhere in Australia. You can reach us at info@rhythmclinicalpsychology.au or by calling 0414 824 375.
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This article is provided for general informational and educational purposes only and is based on psychological theory and clinical experience. It is not intended to be, and should not be used as, a substitute for professional psychological assessment, diagnosis, or treatment.
The content reflects general patterns observed in clinical practice and may not apply to all individuals. If you are experiencing distress or relate to the material discussed, you are encouraged to seek support from a qualified health professional, such as a registered psychologist, or to discuss your concerns with your treating clinician.
This information is not a substitute for personalised care.
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